Am I Worth It?

 "And, most importantly, you must always have faith in yourself." - Elle Woods

There is a question I keep asking myself these days, “am I worth it?” I feel so insecure more than ever. There were several events that triggered me. Since I was little, I only had a few friends, and it was so difficult to fit in. I feel “different” or maybe “weird” from others. How do I feel comfortable with myself and blend in with others?

Once a friend in my class when I was in elementary school said that my jokes weren’t funny, then I stopped making jokes, then I thought it would be better to keep quiet. Even though, actually her jokes weren’t funny either. Then, when I was in junior high school, I was still confused about how to socialize? Was there someone who wanted to be friends with me, with who I am? I also liked a guy in my class, but one day I heard he talked about me (behind me), and laughed about my physique with his friends. Maybe he didn't realize I heard him.

Even when I was an adult, I still found it difficult to build relationships, especially with “men”. I often met men who made me want to be someone else. My worst last relationship, I almost lost myself. His attitude constantly made me feel uncomfortable with myself, and always asked if I was good enough? He often ignored me when I talked, he didn’t listen, and I just couldn’t express myself. Maybe I’m too “weird” for him? Maybe he thought, he was too cool for me, and there were many incidents that made me want to be someone else.

I also often get commented by someone, because I have a “cempreng” voice. Some people, even until now, sometimes don’t like the way I speak/laugh, which is sometimes too loud, pardon me, I sometimes just can’t control the volume of my voice, because I’m too excited about telling something, and I want to make sure that people listen to my story what I talk about. Honestly, sometimes I cry because of this. Sometimes I want to be someone else, who can be liked by other people, and have lots of friends. They made me disappointed about myself. Am I good enough? Am I too much? Am I too weird?

I recently watched an old movie on Prime Video, called “Legally Blonde” :

"I'll show you how valuable Elle Woods can be." - Elle Woods

It tells the story of a girl named Elle Woods, who lives like a Barbie in the real world, with blonde hair like the title of the film. Her life problems started when she was broke up with her boyfriend, because he thought Elle was just a beautiful blonde girl with a sexy body, but have no brain, aka dumb “like the stigma of blonde hair that people often talk about.” Actually, I think it’s not affected by your hair color, it’s just a stigma created by society. It doesn’t matter what your hair color is, if you’re good, you’re good. Well, Elle felt sad, because she was dumped by her boyfriend and changed direction to study law at Harvard University where her boyfriend was. But, life was not that easy, her beginnings in college were so bad, but in the end she proved she could and capable became one of the outstanding students at Harvard. She also found her true love who accepted her for who she was, and she realized she would never be good enough in her ex-boyfriend’s eyes.

From Elle, I realized one thing, we don’t have to be “someone else” to be liked, she has high self-esteem, I like her. And we are never too much in the eyes of “the right people”. She could be a cheerful woman, who is so striking of her appearance, too annoying for some people, but there are also people who like that side of her. We just need to look for those people. Actually, we don’t need to look for it, because the right person will come by themselves/himself. After all, if you don’t find them/him, it’s better to be alone than to be with the wrong person.

So, don’t hate yourself. You are good enough, trust me, you’re worth it!!! If they say you are not, but just try to tell yourself, at least you have one person who wants to accept you for who you are, it’s yourself! Even though it’s hard, it’s worth continuing to try, until you can shine like “Elle Woods”, you don’t need to force yourself to be someone else and lose yourself, but always believe in yourself that you are valuable, good enough and worth it. If they're bad for you, just leave. You don’t need people like them. ♥️